Each relationship contains a culture of behavior that you oscillate between, which means that you’re constantly presenting a different version of yourself across a wide range of interactions. The more these masks deviate from each other, the more exhausting it is. The fatigue is not caused by the rigor in which your mouth is moving to talk, but rather by the constant switching of identity that occurs in these situations. It’s no surprise that alcohol is a feature of these gatherings, given that it helps to merge your identity into one unit for the duration of the night.
When you’re worried about what someone thinks of you, it’s rarely about that person’s opinions of you. It’s about your own opinions of yourself.
Leaky feelings occur when there is a disconnect between our inner state and our outer expression. Congruence, as described by Carl Rogers, is the alignment between our sensations, awareness, and behavior.
- Being incongruent causes others to distrust us and creates weird energy in social interactions.
- We develop leaky feelings due to various reasons, including conscious decisions to withhold our true feelings or being unaware of our own emotions.
- Congruence can be achieved through contained incongruence, where we regulate our inner state without leaking our true feelings.
- Uncontained incongruence occurs when there is a conflict between our sensations and conscious awareness, or when we consciously choose not to express our true feelings. Uncontained incongruence can lead to cognitive dissonance, blind spots, and the leakage of emotions without our awareness.
Some tips:
- We can practice congruence by aligning our behavior with our inner state, expressing ourselves clearly and directly, and being less attached to the outcome.
- The journey towards congruence requires self-reflection, self-regulation, and the willingness to confront our blind spots.
Sources
- Leaky Feelings: How Emotional Incongruence Gives Us ‘Weird Energy’ (And How To Change It) - Heidi Priebe
- The Problem of What Others Think - Lawrence Yeo