From: Limerence: What Is It And How Do We Let It Go? - Heidi Priebe
Limerence definition: an involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one’s feelings reciprocated.
Limerence is when you are more attached the idea of someone inside of your head than to the actual person.
Fantasy vs reality
Expecting certain ways of acting from the person, resistance to changing the image of someone as new connections form and changes happen to the person (“Oh no! This is not really them!“)
Kind of a emotional masturbation at the expense of actually getting to know someone.
For real connection to happen, limerence must be non-existent to minimal, because limerence creates fantasy expectations.
For real connection to happen, people must show up in real time, share their vulnerable authentic experience of being alive and connecting on that.
Sexual Attraction
Can’t get them out of the mind, think about them all the time might lead to thinking that this is sexual desire.
Limerence is a very emotional experience, sexual desire is more a bodily experience.
For sexual desire to emerge, there must be calmness and comfortable vulnerability, openness to excitement, bodily presence. This does not reconcile with the mental anxious limerence.
Origin of Limerence
The brain needs something that it is trying to fulfill through the limerence object (the holes to be filled mentioned in Key to Writing Criminally Good Relationships).
Appreciation & Assumption
Appreciation should be shown towards actual real actions not towards interpretations and fantasy ideas of how and why someone did something, since there is no way to ever really know why someone did something.
Notice what happened, how that made you feel, thanking them for it. Do not make a story up about them always doing that in the future or owing a continuation in any way etc.
Conclusion
Limerence is not sexual attraction or true connection. There is always the question of whether we are looking for a real connection or not. Spoiler alert! Usually not because real connections are hard: real connection require us to be vulnerable, take responsibility, not project onto other people, not blame others for ourselves.
Understand where the limerence comes from and solve those.
Recognize where the real connection points are in a relationship.