From: https://tildes.net/~health.mental/1aa0/advice_on_trudging_through_stress
Quote from anonymous user:
It is very important that, if you can, you start a good relationship with your GP (I believe theyâre called family care doctors in America). Tell them what youâre going through so they can monitor your mood, weight, nutrients, etc. But more importantly, get a referral from them to a therapist or psychologist so you can talk to someone who is a professional in dealing with prolonged stress.
A lot of finding a good psychologist is about interpersonal interaction and how well you âclickâ with the person you see. You may have to try a few people out. For my friends that have been through protracted divorces, this has been a vital support mechanism, no matter how good their social support network is.
Additionally, Iâve found whenever Iâm helping someone through this process, helping them understand what their body is doing in a stress response, and how that affects their wellbeing, is really helpful. Hereâs a simple breakdown of whatâs happening when youâre interacting with your wife.
From the video: homeostasis is the stable state of the body. Stressors knock the balance in whack to prepare for short term crisises. For humans, the ability to predict and construct future events creates non-existent stressors that activate the same kinds of preparations for the body (Dr Kâs Guide - Anxiety) and create stress/anxiety. When these snowball and create constant stress then that becomes debilitating - become more neurotic with time.
Hereâs a longer lecture that talks about depression, but has a large stress component. I would highly recommend you give this a watch, and be aware that you are currently at a high risk of developing reactive depression, which may require medication. This is why establishing a relationship with your doctor is so important.
Lastly, for the next few months, youâre going to have very, very limited emotional bandwidth and stress tolerance until you either build some new coping skills, or the divorce settles into a battle rhythm that youâre more comfortable with. You need to do everything you can, even tiny things, to increase your bandwidth and reduce your exposure to additional stressors.
For me, that looks like:
- Sleeping whenever I can, as sleep deprivation makes everything far worse. Sleep medication and discussing sleep hygiene may be something to discuss with a medical professional if youâre still struggling with insomnia. If your day allows for it, try and build in nap windows if you can.
- Turning off my phone and watching a comforting, predictable, known TV show. I had to teach myself how to relax, and my therapist helped me through the process. âComfort watchingâ wasnât something I was familiar with, but it makes total sense - at a time when your brain is pouring your body full of cortisol and adrenaline, watching something that is known and predictable is very soothing.
- Long, hot showers.
- Dragging my ass out of the house to get in some sunshine and some exercise. Whatever that looks like for you, that is generally a first-line intervention for the kind of acute stress youâre describing. If you cannot get up enough energy to do that, itâs not a failing on your part - please talk to your doctor if this is the case.
Your âcapacity buildersâ might look very different than mine. They might be something you know intuitively that charge your batteries or make you feel safe, or you might have to sit down and have a really good think about it. You might have not taken the time to try and relax in years, so you might have to just try things and see what works.
These things, cumulatively, might add a few percentage points to your resilience battery and stress tolerance meter. But those tiny percentage points really matter for you right now. On their own, theyâll do almost nothing, but combined with having a psychologist or therapist you can trust, and a doctor to help you if you need assistance with sleep or mood, thatâs essentially the recipe.
Itâs very important to frame this as you against the problem, not you versus your wife (even though she has a history of attacking you). Youâll be able to work on strategies with a professional on how to avoid fighting back when she engages in aggressive acts against you. Itâs exactly as you say - you want to be a role model for your children, and that means not engaging in bitter aggression to be a stable figure of care. But your emotional needs must be attended to for you to continue being that stable figure in their life, or youâll burn out when they need you. For the same reason you put your own oxygen mask on in the plane before you put on theirs, you need to make sure youâve got a clean airflow line when you need it.
But, itâs you versus the problem, which is managing your health, and your stress load.
Something thatâs always helped me through - and some of the people Iâve helped out, too - is an old joke. It turned into an inspirational âwhat ifâ, about a Klingon, a famously war-like culture in Star Trek, becoming a shipâs counsellor. Sub in âacute stressâ for âmental illnessâ:
Klingon therapist: the battle against mental illness cannot be won decisively. It is a long campaign against an enemy who never tires, whose forces swell to twice their size whenever you look away. Battle against a foe of such magnitude, who occupies your very mind⊠every moment you survive is a triumph against all odds. There is no more honorable combat.
And lastly, and if itâs not going to take away from your capacity too much, get a dog. Mine is a trained and accredited assistance animal, but even when he was a puppy, just having a warm, cuddly friend to pat while I cried was really impactful, and many mental health practitioners in my country are beginning to recommend animals as first-line interventions. Something to think about.
I hope some of the above has helped. Good luck, look after yourself. I know it seems impossible now, but the feeling in your chest, the constant sadness, the bitter anger - theyâll all pass. Youâre in complex grief right now, and thereâs no one way through it. You have to find your own path, but you are asking all the right questions, and you know you need help.
If hard numbers help you, the vast bulk of evidence Iâve accessed in the past suggests that the majority of people bounce back from relationship separation grief within six months. I know it seems like an eternity, but you can make it, and you can make it without it being an ordeal every waking moment.