Unmasking Autism - Oro

Chapter 1: What Is Autism, Really?

NeuroTribes, - 2024-02-20

Disability is not a bad word, because being disabled is not a shameful thing. - 2024-02-20

Abed Nadir on the sitcom Community - 2024-02-20

What unites us, generally speaking, is a bottom-up processing style that impacts every aspect of our lives and how we move through the world, and the myriad practical and social challenges that come with being different.

Xd ma ei saa hakkama highlightimisega - 2024-02-20

Everybody is a little bit Autistic,” is a common refrain that masked Autistic people hear when we come out to others. This remark can feel a bit grating to hear, because it feels like our experiences are being downplayed. It’s similar to when bisexual people get told that “everybody is a little bit bi. - 2024-02-20

Throughout this book, I capitalize “Autistic” for the same reason members of the Deaf community capitalize “Deaf”-to indicate it is a part of my identity I am proud of, and to signal Autistics have our own culture, history, and community. - 2024-02-20

In fact, the developer of the first therapeutic “treatment” for Autism, Applied Behavioral Analysis therapy, was Ole Ivar Lovaas, who also invented anti-gay conversion therapy. - 2024-02-20

Though people like Crystal often regret having not been assessed for Autism at a young age, Autistic children who are diagnosed when they are young experience both greater access to resources, and more intense, institutionalized stigma. - 2024-02-20

Autism is so broadly associated with assholery that many of us initially hate associating with the term, and try to overcompensate by being excessively easygoing and nonconfrontational. It takes many years of research and meeting real-life counter-examples for most of us to recognize Autism isn’t the cold, robotic condition we’ve been told it - 2024-02-20

I think it’s also likely that lifelong masking has rendered me hypervigilant, almost as a trauma response. My sensory system is used to scanning the environment, to determine whether I’m alone and thus “safe” enough to be myself. - 2024-02-20

However, I do think that when allistic people declare that everyone is a little Autistic, it means they are close to making an important breakthrough about how mental disorders are defined: why do we declare some people broken, and others perfectly normal, when they exhibit the exact same traits? Where do we draw the line, and why do we even bother doing so? If an Autistic person benefits from more flexibility at work, and more social patience, why not extend those same benefits to everybody? - 2024-02-20

Diversifying and deepening my knowledge of what Autism could be was absolutely essential to understanding myself and slowly beginning to build self-love and acceptance. - 2024-02-20

“Report cards called me a joy to have in class, and sensitive,” she says. “Which was a sneaky way of saying they thought I cried too much and got too hurt when kids were mean to me. Spacing out in math class wasn’t like, this alarming sign I was retreating into a shutdown. I was just a daydreamy girl who cried sometimes, which for a lot of my male teachers was probably their feminine ideal, when you think about it.” - 2024-02-20

An Autistic person’s mask tends to be informed by the Autistic qualities they have been trained to hate or fear the most. - 2024-02-20

My acceptance in society is conditional on my behaving respectably and being productive. That’s really a deeply ableist reality, but I shouldn’t pretend it isn’t true. Though having to mask as a desirable, respectable person can be very soul-crushing, it does protect me from physical violence, institutionalization, poverty, and loneliness. - 2024-02-20

Chapter 2: Who Are the Masked Autistics?

Try as we might to be agreeable, people still comment on how “oversensitive” or “immature” we are, or imply we’re hard to read. - 2024-02-20

and even how we lay out our homes. When we unmask, we get to reexamine every choice that we’ve made to “fit in,” and begin to construct more authentic and affirming lives. A world that is more tolerant of difference is a safer and more nourishing place for everyone. - 2024-02-23

The more Autistic voices I read and listened to, the less Autism felt like a curse. The shame I felt about my identity began to ebb, and pride in who I was gradually replaced it. - 2024-02-23

The Instagram account @MyAutisticNurse documents the life of one “high functioning” Autistic person - 2024-02-23

When your belief system teaches that disability and gender variance are embarrassing and disgusting, it’s hard to look at your child and recognize those traits. - 2024-02-20

many Autistic women develop an inoffensive, quiet personality as a crutch to counterbalance their social disadvantages. Unfortunately, adopting a docile persona makes it even harder for their suffering to be seen as a real problem. - 2024-02-20

For me, and for countless “high functioning” Autistics, communication and intelligence become an essential part of our masks. I never could fit in with other kids, but I could impress teachers with my grasp of big words and my sophisticated-sounding opinions. Though my language was highly developed, my social and emotional life was not. - 2024-02-23

When neurotypical people equate “functioning” with being less disabled, they fail to recognize the immense, hidden labor that goes into appearing normal. It also misses just how oppressive having to seem normal is by itself. - 2024-02-23

Until I was in my mid twenties and realized I was Autistic, I was basically a perpetual adolescent, performing intelligence for praise but mismanaging my personal life and not connecting with anyone in a deeper way. - 2024-02-23

The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (or ASAN) and other organizations led by Autistic people reject terms like high functioning and low functioning. Those words oversimplify how a disability affects a person’s life, and equates their productivity with their value as a human being. - 2024-02-23

It’s much more than faking a smile-it impacts how we identify, how we dress, the careers we choose, our relationships, - 2024-02-23

we come to identify with fantasy creatures, aliens, robots, or animals instead of the people around us. Our hyperliteral, analytic minds recognize that the rules of the gender binary are arbitrary and entirely made up, so making up our own gender identities and rules of presentation seems like fair game. - 2024-02-20

When Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling published the piece “TERF (trans exclusionary radical feminist) Wars” on her blog in the summer of 2020, she specifically mentioned her fear that many transgender men are actually Autistic girls who weren’t conventionally feminine, and have been influenced by transactivists on the internet into identifying out of womanhood. In presenting herself as defending disabled “girls,” she argued for restricting young trans Autistic people’s ability to self-identify, and access necessary services and health care. - 2024-02-20

most well-known “female autism” traits

Emotional:

• Strikes others as emotionally immature and sensitive.
• Prone to outbursts or crying jags, sometimes over seemingly small things.
• Has trouble recognizing or naming one’s feelings.
• Ignores or suppresses emotions until they “bubble up” and explode.
• May become disturbed or overwhelmed when others are upset, but uncertain how to respond or support them.
• Goes “blank” and seems to shut down after prolonged socializing or when overstimulated.

Psychological:

• Reports a high degree of anxiety, especially social anxiety.
• Is perceived by others as moody and prone to bouts of depression.
• May have been diagnosed with mood disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, or personality disorders such as Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, before Autism was discovered.
• Fears rejection intensely and tries to manage how other people feel to avoid it.
• Has an unstable sense of self, perhaps highly dependent on the opinions of others.

Behavioral:

• Uses control to manage stress: follows intense self-imposed rules, despite having an otherwise unconventional personality.
• Is usually happiest at home or in a familiar, predictable environment.
• Seems youthful for their age, in looks, dress, behavior, or interests.
• Prone to excessive exercise, calorie restriction, or other eating disordered behaviors.
• Neglects physical health until it becomes impossible to ignore.
• Self-soothes by constantly fidgeting, listening to repetitive music, twirling hair, picking at skin or cuticles, etc.

Social:

• Is a social chameleon; adopts the mannerisms and interests of the groups they’re in.
• May be highly self-educated but will have struggled with social aspects of college or their career.
• Can be very shy or mute, yet can become very outspoken when discussing a subject they are passionate about.
• Struggles to know when to speak when in large groups or at parties.
• Does not initiate conversations but can appear outgoing and comfortable when approached.
• Can socialize, but primarily in shallow, superficial ways that may seem like a performance. Struggles to form deeper friendships.
• Has trouble disappointing or disagreeing with someone during a real-time conversation.

Chapter 3: The Anatomy of the Mask

Autistic people frequently are stereotyped as immature, unintelligent, cold, or out of touch. And each of our masks helps to cover up the Autism stereotypes we felt we needed to resist the most. Behind each mask, there sits a deep pain, and a series of painful beliefs about who you are and what you must never allow yourself to do. Consequently, a big part of unmasking will mean facing those qualities you loathe the most in yourself, and working to see them as neutral, or even as strengths. - 2024-02-23

For Crystal, faking sickness was an essential part of her mask. It could get her out of the overstimulating classroom and provide her some much-needed rest. Mirroring her female classmates and pretending to like what they liked was an act of masking, too. And as school became more and more challenging, Crystal started masking in new ways, like pretending she didn’t care about “boy” subjects like science and math. - 2024-02-23

I think for most masked Autistic people, there are key moments in childhood or adolescence where we learn we are embarrassing or wrong. We say the wrong thing, misread a situation, or fail to play along with a neurotypical joke, and our difference is suddenly laid bare for all to see. Neurotypical people may not know we’re disabled, but they identify in us some key flaw that is associated with disability: we’re childish, or bitter, self-absorbed, or too “angry,” or maybe we’re just awkward and make people cringe. Avoiding being seen in these ways becomes our core motivation in life, each day a battle between the heavy armor we wear and the embarrassing characteristics that armor was designed to cover up. - 2024-02-23

On the flip side, an Autistic person who has repeatedly been told they are selfish and robotic might instead wear a mask of helpful friendliness, and become a compulsive people-pleaser or teacher’s pet. - 2024-02-23

gender roles and ableism both conspired and pushed Timotheus to hide the parts of himself that his neurotypical peers would look down on and punish. He could play up his more gender-normative interests, such as his love of football (with all its statistics and player trivia to memorize), but anything that marked him as too sensitive, odd, or not sufficiently masculine was risky. - 2024-02-23

The fear of seeming childish wounded me in a profound way, as it does many Autistic folks. One of the major ways abled society dehumanizes the disabled is by calling our maturity into question. “Adults” are supposed to be independent, though of course no person actually is. We all rely on the hard work and social-emotional support of dozens of people every single day. You’re only seen as less adult, and supposedly less of a person, if you need help in ways that disrupt the illusions of self-sufficiency. - 2024-02-23

Camouflage is all about obscuring one’s unique qualities and struggles as a disabled person; compensation is all about crafting little hacks and cheats to help you get your needs met because you can’t request the accommodations you require. - 2024-02-23

Camouflaging: attempting to hide or obscure Autistic traits in order to “blend in” with neurotypicals. The main goal of camouflage is to avoid detection as disabled. Compensation: using specific strategies to “overcome” challenges and impairments related to disability. The main goal of compensation is to maintain the appearance of high, independent functioning. - 2024-02-23

I had already started to cultivate a grumpy, goth persona to protect me from seeming weak. Instead of showing that I was overwhelmed, my mask told other people to stay far away.

Lk 97 emo mask tougher than you really are - 2024-02-23

Many Autistic people find it challenging to transition between activities. Each change requires a lot of what psychologists call executive functioning, a skill linked to planning and initiating behavior. Most Autistics find it relatively easy to give a task we enjoy our unbroken attention, but we find it challenging to gear shift. - 2024-02-23

Abled people hated seeing my awkward softness and confronting the fact they might be sensitive and needy in their own ways, too. So they acted like I was invisible, or that my childlike habits were perverse. I learned that feigning maturity would be my sole salvation, the only way to ensure my humanity got recognized. - 2024-02-23

Masked Autistics tend to arrange our lives around our limitations and needs, and sacrifice anything that might demand too much energy out of us. An impressive resume or academic transcript might hide the fact our homes are messy, our hair is unbrushed, and we haven’t socialized with anybody recreationally in months. In a few key areas we may appear to be functioning highly, but that façade requires we let everything else in life fall apart. - 2024-02-23

Many maskers choose careers that allow them to hide their executive functioning issues. Or they realize they have no choice but to freelance because they can’t keep up with all the meetings and socializing a full-time job requires. - 2024-02-23

When I introduce neurotypical people to the concept of Autism masking, they usually understand it as a social process or performance. It’s true that masking involves things like memorizing social rules and feigning friendliness, but that’s really just the most obvious form it takes. Most of us have to mask everything from our information processing style, to our lack of coordination, to our limited food preferences, to the fact that we require more rest than neurotypical people are expected to. Masking shapes the fields we work in, how we dress and carry ourselves, where we live. - 2024-02-23

I had already started to cultivate a grumpy, goth persona to protect me from seeming weak. Instead of showing that I was overwhelmed, my mask told other people to stay far away. - 2024-02-23

In the table below, I’ve listed some of the most common negative stereotypes of Autistic people, and the opposing qualities often used to camouflage and overcompensate against them.

I was taught it was bad to be	So I had to pretend to be	I did this by behaving this way
Arrogant	Humble	• Pretending I didn’t know the answers to questions • Keeping silent when people said things that weren’t true • Softening statements with phrases like “if that makes any sense” or “maybe” to make myself sound less certain
Cold & Unfeeling	Warm & Friendly	• Smiling all the time no matter how I felt • Asking people about their feelings and not talking about myself • Taking care of other people whenever they were upset
Annoying & Loud	Agreeable & Quiet	• Only experiencing big emotions in private • Solving problems by myself • Not getting “too excited” about anything, including good things
Childish	Mature	• Serving as a confidant for adults and authority figures • Carrying myself in a restrained, “proper” way • Acting like a “teacher’s pet” or “little professor” and distancing myself from my peers
Awkward	Cool	• Withdrawing from any activity I wasn’t instantly good at • Pretending to be aloof and uncaring • Rehearsing fake conversations in my mind so I could make talking to people seem effortless
Clueless, Pathetic	Independent	• Nodding or laughing, even when I have no idea what’s going on • Developing unique, private habits and “hacks” that make it possible for me to hold my life together • Making sure my life looks “put together” on paper, even at the expense of my health or happiness
Sensitive	Strong	• Not voicing my needs • Feeling ashamed whenever I wanted to cry or express anger • Fighting internally with every “disruptive” emotion I felt
Weak	Tough	• Mocking or being aggressive with other people • Thinking of myself as superior to others • Showing distaste for anything society considers feminine, soft, or tender
Weird	Normal	• Studying what other people like in a systematic, analytical way • Imitating people or characters’ mannerisms, style of dress, tone of voice, etc. • Mocking those who are more obviously “weird” than I

Chapter 4: The Cost of Masking

Below is a table listing some of the problematic coping strategies that research shows masked Autistics fall back on, and a few bullet points explaining why we tend to reach for them.

Problem Drinking or Substance Use:

• Dulls sensory sensitivities
• Provides “liquid courage” for intimidating social situations
• Relaxes inhibitions and filters
• Provides energy to get through an overly demanding world
• Stimulates the senses
• Entertains an anxious or preoccupied mind
• Silences the inner critic

Eating-Disordered Behavior:

• Grounds life in daily goals and rituals
• Provides physical stimulation via hunger, exercise, purging, etc.
• Distracts from social struggles by focusing on the body
• Defines “goodness” and “worthiness” in terms of behavior or appearance
• Gives the Autistic person a sense of self-control or discipline
• Explains away feelings of gender dysphoria or physical dissociation

Detachment and Dissociation:

• Prevents rejection by disengaging first
• Blunts painful emotions such as grief, sorrow, and regret
• Allows the Autistic person to focus only on what they’re naturally “good” at
• Removes the pressure to learn challenging emotional or social skills
• Silences needs and emotions others find bothersome
• Preserves limited energy

Adherence to Rigid Rules and Belief Systems:

• Makes a confusing reality feel more understandable and concrete
• Translates vague social norms into specific expectations
• Creates an in-group to which the Autistic person can belong
• Provides daily structure and soothing rituals
• Soothes self-doubt and fears about being a “bad person”
• Promises salvation from the present, unjust world

“Fawning” and Compulsive People-Pleasing:

• Earns the Autistic person praise
• Offers a false promise of acceptance
• Simplifies complicated relationship dynamics
• Flattens social interactions into one easy rule: always say “yes”
• Validates the Autistic person’s belief they should ignore their feelings and needs
• Minimizes conflict and reduces anger

In the average person’s mind, there is a singular image of how Autism presents in adults: a genius, almost always a man, who is blunt and direct to the point of cruelty. To avoid embodying this trope, Autistic people fold ourselves into all kinds of accommodating shapes. We do what we can to not seem difficult, cruel, or self-absorbed. We internalize the message that talking about ourselves and our interests bores other people, that we’re socially inept and bad at reading emotions, and that our sensory needs make us big babies who never stop complaining. - 2024-02-25

Often the fears that CBT therapists train their patients to view as irrational (if I say the wrong thing, I’ll lose my job and wind up on the street!) are completely rational for Autistics, and rooted in genuine experience. - 2024-02-25

What non-Autistic folks often don’t realize is that Autistic people experience intense sensory input as if it were physical pain. - 2024-02-25

For other Autistic people that I know, including myself, having to mask and socialize for an extended period increases the odds we’ll begin to dissociate or shut down. People don’t literally become “blurry” for me when I’m overwhelmed, but I do stop gazing at people’s faces and often fail to recognize people I know or hear their voices unless they get in my face and wave their hands. - 2024-02-25

Autistic sex educator and writer Stevie Lang has observed that Autistic people sometimes find it challenging to negotiate sexual consent as well, because we can’t always tell the difference between wanting something, and wanting to want it in order to make someone else happy: “Our aversion to rejection and desire to be accepted may make it difficult to know when we are experiencing consent,” he writes, “and when we are trying to conform to social expectations to be liked or to avoid rejection.” - 2024-02-25

Masked Autistics are frequently compulsive people pleasers. We present ourselves as cheery and friendly, or nonthreatening and small. Masked Autistics are also particularly likely to engage in the trauma response that therapist Pete Walker describes as “fawning.” Coping with stress doesn’t always come down to fight versus flight; fawning is a response designed to pacify anyone who poses a threat. And to masked Autistics, social threat is just about everywhere. “Fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves,” Walker writes, “by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other.” - 2024-02-25

In early adulthood I got into a lot of messy, destructive relationships and self-harmed with nicotine, anorexia, and random hookups. It was all part of the jaded, “mature” mask I’d started wearing all the way back in middle school. I thought if I was excelling on paper, and living a cool, glamorous life, there was no way anyone could ever say I was “childish” or “pathetic.” - 2024-02-25

One common fawning tactic among Autistics is mirroring: lightly mimicking the actions and emotions of another person, trying to meet the energy they are giving off so that they view us as normal and similar to themselves. - 2024-02-25

Autistic wellness coach Samuel Dylan Finch has written a lot about why Autistic people fawn, and how fawning frays our relationships. - 2024-02-25

Many masked Autistic adults struggle to balance full-time work with social lives or hobbies at all because maintaining a conciliatory mask for eight hours per day is just too labor intense to have energy for anything else. - 2024-02-25

Her self-destructive habits are also part of her mask: she disarms her chauvinistic male competitors and superficial classmates by seeming cool and wild. - 2024-02-25

In their essay “Alcohol: An Autistic Masking Tool?” Jesse Meadows - 2024-02-25

Masking also tends to involve swallowing your anguish in order to keep the neurotypicals around you happy. Complaining about discomfort that no one else is experiencing can make you seem “crazy” or “demanding.” Many of us become quite adept at ignoring pain, just as we neglect our own hunger or thirst. - 2024-02-25

After all, masked Autistics are socially conditioned to silence the physical needs we do notice. If I have to suppress my desire to pace around the room and sing songs to myself because doing so makes me look like a “freak,” how am I supposed to know that listening to hunger or tiredness is fine? - 2024-02-25

Chapter 5: Rethinking Autism

Most of us aren’t genius savants, and our worth should not be measured by our ability (or inability) to meet conventional benchmarks of success. What’s really important here is to focus on how neurodiversity has brought pleasure, connection, and meaning to your life. Autism - 2024-02-26

I consulted with Jersey when they were developing the prompts for Special Interest Week, as did several other Autistic creators, including Matt and Brandy Haberer, who host the disability podcast The Chronic Couple. In October 2020, the first Special Interest Week ran on Instagram, with the accompanying hashtag AutieJoy. - 2024-02-26

As disability advocate Rabbi Ruti Regan writes on the blog Real Social Skills, “noncompliance is a social skill.” - 2024-02-25

loudly, proudly take ownership of our Autistic identities, the more institutions will be forced to change to accommodate us and others who have been repeatedly shut out. - 2024-02-26

Interestingly, adults are only shamed for having an obsessive interest if that interest is a bit too “strange,” and doesn’t come with the opportunity to rack up a lot of achievements or make a lot of money. - 2024-02-26

It’s heartening to witness how fellow masked Autistics take proud ownership of traits they once deeply disliked and were taught to loathe: childishness, selfishness, stubbornness, being a robot. Looked at from another angle, childishness is joy and open curiosity. Selfishness is a vital protective skill. - 2024-02-25

However, no personality traits or modes of thinking and feeling associated with Autism are innately bad. Usually we internalize messages that we’re bad, immature, cruel people only because the neurotypical people around us lacked the tools to look at our Autistic traits from the proper angle. - 2024-02-25

But the more we work to normalize our neurotype, and the more we - 2024-02-26

In the book Raising Your Spirited Child, author and parent educator Mary Sheedy Kurcinka encourages frustrated and exhausted caregivers to rethink negative impressions they have of their children. - 2024-02-25

Table below are all the “negative” autistic traits

Old Label	New Label
Stubborn	Assertive, Persistent
Wild	Energetic
Distractible	Perceptive
Picky	Selective, Discriminating
Demanding	Knows clearly what he wants
Inflexible	Traditional; does not like change
Manipulative	Knows how to get needs met, charismatic
Anxious	Cautious
Explosive	Dramatic
Nosy	Curious, Inquisitive
Loud	Enthusiastic, Zestful
Argumentative	Opinionated, Committed

I was told I was	But actually I am	I value this quality in myself because
Arrogant	Confident Principled Independent	- It helps me stand up for what’s right - I’m often the first person to speak out about a problem - I can set a positive example for others
Cold & Unfeeling	Analytical Rational Thoughtful	- I notice things others miss - I don’t get swept away in the heat of the moment like others do - I’m good at noticing connections and systems others can’t see
Annoying & Loud	Enthusiastic Alive Outspoken	- I am my own best advocate - I raise other people’s energy levels - I experience intense happiness and recognize beauty
Childish	Curious Open-minded Joyful	- I’m great at learning and growing - I experience the full range of human emotion - I take pleasure from the small things in life
Awkward	Authentic Unique Don’t Blend in with the Crowd	- If something is hard for me, other people probably need help with it, too - My way of moving through the world is entirely its own - I don’t conform to unfair standards
Clueless, Pathetic	Reflective Unassuming Open About Vulnerability	- I recognize we all need one another - I know how to ask for the help I need - I value my connections to other people
Sensitive	Perceptive Emotionally Attuned Compassionate	- I recognize mistreatment very well - I’m good at taking the emotional temperature of the room - I’m in touch with my feelings and with the feelings of others
Weird	One of a Kind A Trailblazer Unconventional	- I make the world a bigger, broader place - I challenge old conventions and unfair rules - I’m the ultimate authority on how my life should be

Chapter 6: Building an Autistic Life

we might not know what level of clean is acceptable, and get stuck meticulously stripping out every bit of detritus in the grout on the floor. When - 2024-02-26

However, when neurotypical people figure out we’ve put this much time and thought into activities that are “basic” to them, they tend to find it very off-putting. So for masked Autistics, blending in isn’t just a matter of figuring out the right hacks. We also learn to hide the fact we’re relying on such hacks at all. - 2024-02-26

One reason that we may need more sleep than others is just how tiring it is for us to be in the world. Sensory overload, social overwhelm, and the pressures of masking all significantly drain our batteries. This means many of us are not well suited to a nine-to-five job, and keep other hours instead. - 2024-02-26

Almost all of the standard measures of time that we now take for granted-the way our hours and days and weeks are structured-are based on a factory model of work. I call this Industrial Time…. There are other ways of thinking about time. Seasonal ways. Cyclical ways. Ancient ways.” - 2024-02-26

Companies like Stimtastic and ARK Therapeutic specialize in - 2024-02-26

Try to go an entire day without guessing or anticipating anyone’s emotions. Try to go an entire day without controlling what messages your facial expressions or body language is giving off. - 2024-02-26

Participants in the study were less interested in engaging in conversation with Autistic people and liked them less than non-Autistics, all based on a brief moment of social data. It’s also important to point out that the Autistic people in this study didn’t do anything “wrong”; their behavior was perfectly socially appropriate, as was the content of their speech. Though they tried their damnedest to present as neurotypical, their performance had some key tells, and was just slightly “off,” and they were disliked because of it. - 2024-02-26

Neurotypicals also tend to assume we know how to complete a chore or task without instructing us in exactly what it entails, not understanding that we can’t intuit our way through unstated expectations. We may not recognize, for example, that a request to “clean the bathroom” includes scrubbing the shower, floor, sink, and mirrors, not just tidying up. - 2024-02-26

For masked Autistic people, knowing “too much” or thinking about something too deeply is seen as suspect. - 2024-02-26

as @divergent_design_studios. Some of her most groundbreaking work is around the concept of divergent design-the idea that the physical spaces we inhabit as Autistic people ought to prioritize our sensory health, - 2024-02-26

Sasson’s research found that when participants were told they were interacting with an Autistic person, their biases against us disappeared. Suddenly they liked their slightly awkward conversation partner, and expressed interest in getting to know them. Having an explanation for the Autistic person’s oddness helped the creeped-out feeling go away. - 2024-02-26

Chapter 7: Cultivating Autistic Relationships

By and large, Autistic people don’t operate by social intuition the way neurotypicals do. Every notification we receive tends to be given equal weight, no matter how well we know a person or how we feel about them. This - 2024-03-05

Maskers are highly dependent on the opinions and feelings of other people. We bend over backward to make life easy for neurotypicals and the people we care about, we hide facets of ourselves that are distracting, weird, or inconvenient, and we become hypervigilant about tracking people for signs of disapproval. It’s normal and healthy to be considerate toward other people, but masked Autistics tend to devote so much energy to people pleasing that we have almost no cognitive space left to think about (or listen to) ourselves. It also impedes us from connecting with people in a genuine way. - 2024-02-27

It’s neurotypicals who categorized autism as a social disorder.” Autistic people don’t actually lack communication skills, or a drive to connect. We aren’t doomed to forever feel lonely and broken. We can step out of the soul-crushing cycle of reaching for neurotypical acceptance and being rejected despite our best efforts. Instead, we can support and uplift one another, and create our own neurodiverse world where everyone-including neurotypicals-is welcome. - 2024-03-07

Here are a couple of affirmations to keep in mind when you are navigating the self-disclosure process: - 2024-02-27

When neurodiverse people push for more explicit messaging, everybody benefits. Vague, symbolic communication is harder to parse if you’re Deaf or hard of hearing, an immigrant from a different culture with different idioms, a nonnative English speaker, or a person with social anxiety. - 2024-03-05

Unmasking in public feels nearly impossible, because when we are around people, it’s as if we have no thoughts or feelings of our own. I’ve been in that position myself, so profoundly inhibited I had no idea what my genuine preferences were, unable to recognize someone had crossed a boundary or made me uncomfortable until hours after the fact, when I was alone and had space to reflect. - 2024-02-27

When we accept the unique features and strengths of our communication style, we can also feel a lot less socially inept and disempowered. - 2024-03-05

If you have been masked all your life, you probably will experience some anxiety in Autistic-centered spaces. You might even find yourself judging other people’s behavior. Remember that this is completely normal. Society has drilled very particular, often cruel rules into your head, and it can be jarring at first to see people violating some of them. Over time, you will get more comfortable with visibly neurodivergent behavior-and this will make it easier for you to open up, too. - 2024-03-07

insecurity. They yearn to be accepted yet doubt that they can be. - 2024-03-05

anxious-ambivalent attachment - 2024-03-05

She says, “I have a disability and I’ve had a disability my whole life. Because it is a disability, I am entitled to some support, and admitting that is good.” Prior to accepting herself as Autistic, Reese tried to hide all the visible “tells” of her disabled status. - 2024-03-05

Who brings out the wild, playful side of me? - 2024-03-05

Though non-Autistic people mistakenly get the impression that we aren’t interested in socializing, most of us are fighting to find acceptance every day of our lives. - 2024-03-07

A lot of us find the natural flow of conversation challenging, either interrupting people at the “wrong” times, or failing to jump in during a fast-paced exchange and being left out entirely. For these and other reasons, Autistic women (particularly women of color) are often viewed as cold or “bitchy,” - 2024-02-27

NeuroTribes, Steve Silberman describes how Autistic nerds in the early 1900s traveled across the country by car, on foot, and even by hopping trains in order to meet people who shared their niche interests. - 2024-03-05

For many Autistic people, including Reese, self-acceptance looks less like flawless and serene self-love and more like a “fuck it, let them deal with it” attitude that helps her shake off the desire to hide. She’s willing to be honest about who she is-even if it scares off potential roommates who would have been a bad fit. - 2024-03-05

This study suggests that much of what researchers consider the “social deficits” of Autism aren’t really deficits at all; they’re just differences in our communication style that neurotypicals don’t adjust to. - 2024-03-05

Here’s a table summarizing some common Autistic communication needs. - 2024-03-05

Clear Expectations:

• Specific plans with details about time, place, and what is likely to happen
• A clear “yes” or “no,” no euphemisms like “I’ll think about it”
• Meeting agendas that are handed out in advance, and then adhered to
• Reading materials, questions, and discussion topics being provided in advance of a panel, interview, or other high-stress public event
• Step-by-step, detailed instructions on how to complete a task
• Specific, measurable outcomes or goals.

Explicit Messaging:

• Not assuming people can use facial expression, tone of voice, posture, breathing, or tears as indicators of emotion
• Giving direct explanations of feelings: “I am disappointed right now because…”
• Recognition and respect of boundaries: “It doesn’t sound like Sherry wants to talk about that right now.”
• Not punishing or judging people for failing to read between the lines.
• Using clarifying questions: “What would you like me to do about this?”

Reduced Sensory/Social Load:

• Having no expectation of eye contact during intense conversations
• Giving space to talk about challenging topics while driving, taking a walk, or doing something with one’s hands
• Allowing people to express emotions and opinions via text, email, or handwritten note
• Giving people time alone to reflect on their feelings and beliefs
• Learning to recognize fawning, and signs of an upcoming meltdown
• Providing frequent breaks from socializing, or quiet spaces people can retreat to

Are you afraid that kind, loving people deserve “better” than to be friends with you? - 2024-03-05

Chapter 8: Creating a Neurodiverse World

Common, Healthy Autistic Behaviors - 2024-03-07

Building Sensory-Friendly Public Spaces - 2024-03-07

Merely observing a disabled person as an outsider or a pitiable curiosity won’t do much to reduce neurotypical people’s biases. Instead, research suggests that collaborative, extended contact shared between equals is what’s necessary to really change attitudes. - 2024-03-07

When we accept individuals as they are, instead of warring with their unique needs and challenges, life can move at a more relaxed, accepting pace. A world that allows all Autistics to safely unmask is a world where anyone with strange interests, passionate emotions, environmental sensitivities, social quirks, or other differences is still seen as worthy and whole. - 2024-03-07

The simple act of welcoming more Autistic people into the social world is not only a powerful symbolic gesture of support, it would also be a massive step forward in normalizing neurodiverse mannerisms, behaviors, and communication styles. - 2024-03-07

Building Sensory-Friendly Public Spaces

Advice from the Autistic Self Advocacy Network:

Visual:

• Make lights dimmable
• Use diffused light sources rather than overhead or fluorescent lights
• Restrict use of flash photography
• Use clear, contrasting colors for presentation slides
• Make signage and handouts easy to read and simple
• Limit “visual noise”: remove distracting graphics, posters, etc.

Auditory:

• Remind people to silence phone notifications
• Replace applause with “sparkle fingers” or another quieter alternative
• Ensure speakers use microphones consistently—yelling is much harder to understand than speaking evenly into a mic is
• Equip spaces with materials that absorb and dampen echo, when possible. Even a large rug can make a big difference!

Tactile:

• Make elbow bumping or waving the default greeting, not handshakes or hugs
• Adopt a relaxed dress code, so people can dress comfortably
• Normalize the use of stress balls, fidget spinners, doodling, etc.
• Fight the idea that makeup, uncomfortable formalwear, high heels, or bras make a person more “professional”
• Space out chairs, provide semiprivate seating near corners or barriers

Olfactory and Gustatory:

• Ban the use of strong perfumes or colognes at events
• Use physical distance, barriers, or fans to keep kitchen and bathroom smells out of other areas
• Use sensory-friendly, green cleaning supplies
• For catered events, tell attendees the exact menu beforehand
• Provide “bland” foods as a backup

Edasii puudub list elugeris - 2024-03-07 (Panin ise juurde <3)

it would benefit all people to have a strong psychoeducation starting from childhood. Targeted trainings on neurodiversity should be provided to doctors, teachers, and mental health professionals as well. - 2024-03-07

journal Autism in Adulthood - 2024-03-07

When Wendy discovered that she had an Autistic child, her life was radically transformed for the better. Circumstances forced her to get off the hamster wheel of conformity and productivity and constantly doing too much, and take a step back to reevaluate what mattered most in her life - 2024-03-07

Enter the social model of disability, originally coined in the 1980s by disabled academic Mike Oliver. In his writing, Oliver described disability as a political status, one that is created by the systems that surround us, not our minds and bodies. A clear-cut example of this is how most educational institutions exclude Deaf students. There are entire school systems and communities run by Deaf people, for Deaf people, where everyone uses sign language and access to audio captioning and other resources are provided as a matter of course. In this context, being Deaf is not a disability. In fact, a hearing person who doesn’t know sign language is the one who would be marginalized, if they were living in a Deaf-centered world. - 2024-03-07

Throughout European history, asylums were places for anyone who flouted societal rules, including debtors who refused to work, criminals who had violated the ethical and moral rules of the age, and people who either looked unusual, or acted unusually, even in completely benign ways. Something as simple as a harmless physical disfigurement could be grounds to exclude someone from a free, public existence. We still live with the legacy of these views today. - 2024-03-07

Conclusion: Integration

When a masked Autistic person lacks self-knowledge or any kind of broad social acceptance, they are often forced to conceive of themselves as compartmentalized, inconsistent parts. - 2024-03-07

Value #4: Passion What this value means to me: Giving myself the space to feel things deeply. Making time to be sad, angry, resentful, or joyous. No longer filtering emotions based on how others might receive them. Being unashamed of who I am, pursuing the things I desire that feel good, and letting myself leave the situations that distress me. - 2024-03-07

Key Qualities of the Redemptive Self - 2024-03-07

passive intellectual I’ve often masked myself as. - 2024-03-07

Acknowledgments

A lot of the time, I still hate myself for being so irritable and needy, and can’t fathom how anybody could love me as I am. I promise someday I will be able to recognize your unconditional acceptance and love as a thing that I (and you! And all people!) deserve. - 2024-03-07