From: https://tildes.net/~life/1e1b/my_marriage_is_non_monogamous_and_i_am_considering_approaching_a_friend_to_propose_a_relationship and https://tildes.net/~life/742/there_is_such_a_thing_as_ethical_non_monogamy
I always say that love is a decision and a set of actions, rather than a feeling. For this reason, my definition of polyamory doesn’t extend to the styles that are predominantly fear-based, as love and fear to me are pretty much polar opposites. For similar reasons my definition for friendship is fairly strict. A friend isn’t just someone whose name you know and who you bump into occasionally - it’s someone who puts in effort for you, has your back to an extent, cares about you and accepts the same back from you. By extension, FWB is completely different than a fuckbuddy, even if lots of people use those terms interchangeably nowadays. And so on.
Hard agree to poly not being an orientation. Humans aren’t wired for monogamy or non-monogamy any more than we’re wired to be librarians or fishermen. Individual human beings have inclinations that lend themselves to some lifestyles better than others, and these vary in strength. That’s all. I’m personally very far inclined in the direction where monogamy makes the most sense, while having very low jealousy. I see some people say they’re monogamous because they’re jealous, which is again a fear-based idea and there’s nothing wrong with that per se - I just would keep that separate from the idea of love. At any rate, I can imagine that I’d thrive doing ENM/poly if a few things of my mental structure were very different than they are, and most likely for people like that ENM is the better and more fulfilling choice. Compatibility across these different inclinations is really a very interesting question to explore.
I feel strongly that one of the best ways to understand the world more and grow as a person, is to get to know different kinds of people. I absolutely adore my female friends, and there is a level of comradery and understanding that I will never find with men. But in the same way, my male friends help me understand how men experience the world and how it treats them. (It’s not that I feel men and women are very different on a fundamental level, it’s mostly that we tend to have different perspectives due to our experiences.) All this to say, I can’t imagine my life without my platonic male friends, and I think it’s healthy to be close with any friend if it’s a functional relationship and everyone involved (such as a spouse) has generally consented to whatever level of intimacy is involved.
What is the difference in love for your partner and love for your friends (The Art of Loving - what is love)? I think the difference is the level of compatibility (how much chemistry is there between each other in physical and emotional terms), depth of connection (how much can we talk about each other’s state and past), mutual declaration of intimacy (“we agree to take responsibility of each other and care for each other, even if things are though”). So in that sense poly makes a lot of sense. Just as we can have many friends of varying levels of intimacy, same can work with romantic partners.
You have to discuss everything, and be extremely clear about what your needs, expectations, and feelings are on an ongoing basis.
This is a given for all relationships, but seems especially critical with more than two people. This in turn requires such a good relationship with oneself to begin with, an extremely good relationship with one’s ego (fear→jealousy).
When my husband and I committed to each other (which happened years before marriage,) our agreement was different. “We will love each other, build our lives around each other, and choose each other long-term, and we will do this as long as we both still make each other happy.” (And of course, the “be only with each other” part isn’t there.)
My personal distaste for the unconditional, permanent commitment of traditional marriage probably has something to do with the fact that my parents are extremely unhappily married. Divorce is just not an option in their minds, and they have truly suffered for it. There isn’t abuse present, there’s just… nothing. I haven’t seen them kiss or hug since I was probably 7 years old.
When you are not pressured to behave in certain ways or deliver very specific needs related to a traditional relationship, we may become our more authentic selves.
Poly Problems and Pseudo Poly
Relationship hopping, feeling of less responsibility, “but I am free to do what I want”
I cannot recommend trying to date someone who isn’t already actively looking for a poly relationship.
Expectations and needs. How much attention and care are you expecting from partner(s)?
For most cases it seems like most people are driven to monogamy because of uncertainty and lack of intimacy from friends. We are taught from a young age that physical connection comes mostly from our future partner and that it is not right to find that from your friends (usually emphasizing that this is doubly true for same sex intimacy). Is it any surprise that people manically search for the partner of their life and refuse to let go of the only person that supposedly is able to fill their very normal needs for intimacy? Isn’t it all latching onto self made “certainty” that does not exist? That we can find people that will be there our whole life even if such a thing can never be guaranteed?
The reason I would seem this obsessed around the topic of breaking up is because many of the poly people I know seem to have chosen that lifestyle first and foremost in order to avoid a breakup. They’re not completely happy with their partner (even though they always say they are), but because it isn’t a totally unfulfilling relationship either, they don’t want to end it and face the uncertainty of single life. However, as soon as a seemingly “better” option comes along, the existing relationship’s downsides become less tolerable and NRE with the new person enables them to take the necessary steps to move on, painful as it is.
Obviously, I know that not all poly people fall into this category, and that this isn’t even true polyamory, but in my liberal circles, it is the most common version that I’ve come across. Practically everyone I know who used to be poly is now in a monogamous relationship, after finding a person that was actually a good fit for a partner. So, it only makes sense that this factors in when I consider my options with someone who is poly. I wouldn’t want to become a crutch for a conflict avoidant person to face their demons - I prefer intimacy with people who are already facing theirs, regularly and proactively. For that reason, I would be gauging your motives and the strength and quality of your relationship before considering getting more seriously involved with you. If your friend isn’t doing that, then in my opinion he isn’t fully aware of what he may be getting himself into. Of course, this could remain just a theoretical issue, in case all goes smoothly, or it could end up leading to real life trouble.
I see that I explained my gripe with these pseudo-poly people in some length. Please don’t take it as criticism towards you. I believe you are truly poly and that it truly works for you if you say so. The above is just to shed light on my side of things, not knowing in advance which group the “poly” person I meet actually represents.
haven’t opened our marriage to solve any problems or fill some void that can’t be filled within our marriage.
The biggest issue for someone like me is just the whole concept of having to permanently “share” their affection with someone else. By that I mean that I’m afraid I would sooner or later grow dissatisfied with having someone I 100% care for not giving me 100% of their time like I would give to them.