Negotiation is information gathering and behavior influencing that serves out “I wants”.
There are different theories as to what negotiation is and how to approach it.
The book Getting to Yes assumes that the emotional brain (animalistic, irrational side) could be overcome through a rational, problem solving mindset. Their system is as follows:
- Separate the person (their emotion) from the problem
- Don’t get wrapped up in the other side’s position (what they are asking for), instead focus on their interests (why they are asking for it)
- Work cooperatively to generate win-win options
- Establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating these options
But this was from a period where economists declared that everyone in a negotiation was a rational actor. Their assumption was that the other side was acting rationally and selfishly in trying to maximize its position, the goal being to respond in correct ways to maximize one’s own value. Phycologists disagreed with this approach as “it is evident that people are neither fully rational nor completely selfish and their tastes are anything but stable.”
In Thinking, Fast and Slow it is written that man has 2 systems of thought:
- System 1 - fast, instinctive, emotional, animalistic
- System 2 - slow, deliberate, logical S1 inchoate beliefs, feelings, impressions are the main sources of the explicit beliefs and deliberate choices of S2. We react emotionally (S1) to a suggestion or question. Then S1 reaction informs and creates the S2 answer.
Following these system of thoughts Getting to Yes seems like only half the puzzle that does not adress S1 at all. Like trying to make an omelet without knowing how to crack an egg.
It all starts with a universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest and most effective concession to get there as it demonstrates empathy, shows sincere desire to understand the other side. With that people tend to listen more carefully themselves, more openly evaluate and clarify their thoughts and feelings while also becoming less defensive and oppositional, even more calm and ready to listen to reason (the point where Getting to Yes can become useful).
In Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain it is explained that people who had damage in the emotional parts of the brain could not make decisions. They described in logical terms what they should do, but found it impossible to make even the simplest of choices. So while we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making itself is governed by emotion. In How to Become a Rainmaker also describes the emotional drivers that fuel decisions, how sales is not a rational endeavor, but an emotional framing job. As in, a locksmith is not really just selling locks, he is selling a feeling of security.
Types of negotiators
There are many different ways to profile and archetype people, it’s too overwhelming to be useful. According to the cross-referenced, consolidated and simplified result of the book says that people fall into 3 broad categories: Accommodator, Assertive, Analyst.
Analyst: methodical and diligent. “As much time as it takes to get it right.” Self image linked to minimizing mistakes. Like to work solo and not deviate from goals. Often show less emotion and may seem colder. Extensive preppers, they take pride in not missing details. Hypersensitive to reciprocity. Skeptical by nature.
Accommodator: they love the win-win, building relationship is paramount. Usually less prepared and more focused on the person behind the table. Likely to start the reciprocity cycle. Uncovering their objections can be difficult as they like to avoid revealing them in fear of causing conflict.
Assertive: time is everything, a wasted second is a wasted dollar. Self image linked to getting things done quick. Love winning at all costs, even at the cost of others. Usually more aggressive, not worried about consequences as they believe respect matters more in business. They don’t listen until they’ve been listened to. Focused on goals, not people, they tell rather than ask.
Bare-buckle bargaining
The Ackerman model:
- Set target price
- Set first offer at 65%
- Calculate three raises at 85%, 95%, 100%
- Use lots of ways to say “No” to get the other side to counter before increasing your offer
- For the final amount, use non round numbers
- For the final offer, throw in a nonmonetary item
Negotiating salary
Be pleasantly persistent on nonsalary terms. It anchors emotionally the feeling of knowing what you want and increases perceived value. Avoiding numbers also creates a better environment for constructive discussion which creates a more open, emphatic negotiation. Being pleasantly persistent may even lead to bigger offers when they can not meet on nonsalary terms because they may feel like they have to offer something of equal value.
Define success. Defining success and metrics for a raise is meaningful for you and free for the boss.
Spark their interest in your success by asking “what does it take to be successful here?”
General advice and techniques
Approach with the mindset of discovery. That is: make hypothesizes and do not commit to assumptions. Each new piece of info heralds a step forward and allows discarding one hypothesis for another. Too often people stick with biases, gossip, assumptions that should instead be always questioned, ready to be turned on their head as new info is gathered throughout the negotiation.
Calm the minds of yourself and the other side. George A. Miller put forth the idea that we can process about 7 pieces of info in our concious mind at any given moment. In other words we are easily overwhelmed.
This is especially important as during negotiations, when people are not talking, they are usually thinking about their arguments. So making your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they want to say, what are their “I wants” in a way disarms them. They can let their arguments and wants out, thus quieting their mind down while giving you more information.
Take it slow. Being in too much of a hurry, people can feel as if they are not being heard, thus undermining rapport and trust. By slowing the process down you also calm it (and them) down.
Use tactical silence and let the other person fill it. For close to all of the following techniques, silence will augment them greatly. Even if awkward initially, it may sound long but up to a 4 second pause will usually work better to open people up that any follow-up questions.
Use The Voice (nonverbal communication, general demeanor and delivery). More important than what we say or do, how we are is even more important. On a mostly unconscious level we understand others not by thinking but by grasping what others are feeling. It is a kind of involuntary neurological telepathy that we do by giving and processing signals. That is, every one of us is signaling at every given moment whether we are ready to play, fight, laugh, cry etc. And these signals bring out reflexes from others, as such nonverbal communication becomes the most powerful tool. By being playful and friendly, others think more quickly, are more likely to collaborate and problem solve instead of resisting. By being calm, slow and inflecting the voice downward you can convey being in control.
Mirror, aka repeat the last three words back as a question. Isopraxism is imitation, a neurobehaviour that animals display in which we copy each other to comfort each other. It comes from a fear of the different and a comfort to the similar. This is why a group of friends might have similar mannerisms, might walk in sync, nod at the same time and so on. This works for both verbal and nonverbal way. When repeating back what the other said as a question they almost involuntarily elaborate on what they said. Richard Wiseman created a study with waiters, one group gave positive reinforcement (praise, encouragement) and the other used mirroring, customers tipped 70% more and reported better satisfaction to the mirroring group.
Label, aka spot feelings, turn them into words, calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back to them. It is a way of validating someone’s emotions by acknowledging them. By acknowledging them you show you identify with how they feel thus building intimacy without asking for any external details. If the feelings are negative them labeling them exposes them to daylight and as such making them seem less frightening for the other side. Being impersonal helps a lot, starting with “I understand that” instead of “it seems” gets people’s guard up by seeming more interested in yourself rather than their emotions. Labeling works better when used on underlying behaviour (what motivates the presenting behaviour, or behaviour overall) instead of presenting behaviour (what we see and hear on the surface).
Clear the way and ask for input. By labeling fears and negatives from the start you clear the way and put everyone on the same page from the get-go while building trust.
“No” is the start not the end. Having said “no”, people relax and consider possibilities. The book Start with NO says to give the other permission to say “no”, “the right to veto” from the outset to open up the negotiation to pivots, adjustments, reexamination. Human need for autonomy and control is fulfilled by having the possibility of saying no, denying. No does not mean outright rejection, it can be more of “not yet ready to agree”, “I am uncomfortable”, “I do not understand”, “I want something else” or “I need more information” for example.
Recognize the three kinds of “yes”: counterfeit, confirmation, commitment. Counterfeit is a “no” but is used to soften it or to prolong info gathering. Confirmation is a reflexive response to affirm, but to provide no promise of action. Commitment is the real deal.
Get to “That’s right” and avoid “You are right.” That’s right signifies that the other has embraced what you have said, not only understood it, but taken it as a mutual understanding.
Summarize, rearticulate meaning of what is said plus acknowledgment of emotion of the emotions (paraphrasing + labeling = summary). It is a combination of labeling and mirroring to invoke reflection from the other. Ideally the other would respond with “that’s right” as it were.
Never split the difference. Compromise comes from a desire to feel safe, compromise is driven by fear and leads to the worst outcomes. “No deal is better than a bad deal.”
Use deadlines. Deadlines, imaginary or not, cause pressure and anxiety because of perceived consequences. Deadlines make people take impulsive, poor choices. Remember that most deadlines are arbitrary and have no consequences, almost nothing is set in stone.
Reveal your deadline. As deadlines can be powerful, showing them has been considered showing a weakness. Contrary to popular belief, hiding your own deadlines makes the other side stall and hold out for a better deal for longer. So in fact to speed up negotiations and reduce the risk of impasse, revealing your deadlines can get the other to the real deal faster.
Leverage fairness. It is a built in mechanism in primates to reject perceived unfairness, even at substantial cost. Fairness is used: like a defensive move to put slight guilt on the other person; as an accusation, to call someone feel dense or dishonest; to build your reputation by letting the other know you value fairness.
Anchor their emotions. Start with an accusation audit that acknowledges all their fears, this anchors their emotions in preparation for a loss, thus inflaming their loss aversion so that they’ll jump at a chance to avoid it.
Let them go first… most of the time. Neither side has perfect information, this means you may not know enough to open with confidence, so letting the other side anchor will let you know which ballpark to shoot for. But also prepare to withstand the first offer.
Establish a range. Seeming to make an offer, alluding to a range by referencing something outside you and the other person. Instead of “I’m worth X” go for “At some places this position is worth from Y to Z,” which gets the point across without putting the other in defensive.
Pivot from monetary to nonmonetary. Getting hung up on numbers leads to bargaining and rigid positions defined by fairness and pride. Offering nonmonetary things that may matter to them etc.
Use odd numbers. Round numbers feel like placeholders, guesstimates, but eerily specific numbers feel like thoughtful calculations.
Surprise with a gift. Unexpected conciliatory gestures introduce reciprocity, a need to answer generosity in kind.
Don’t tell, show by using calibrated questions. In many cases negotiations start from a standoffish, showdown-like way, where both sides are almost preprogrammed to reject what the other wants and is saying. Avoid “can”, ” is”, “are”, ” do”, “does” and other words that may come across as trying to set something in stone that the other will most likely reject. Instead use open ended questions that are calibrated to nudge their thinking towards what you want. That way they will come to your conclusions without much work or resistance.
Avoid “why” in most cases. The question “why” is accusatory in nature, reword it with a different question.
Keep in mind the 7-38-55 percent rule. 7 percent of a message is words, 38 comes from tone, 55 comes from body language.
Humanize yourself. By introducing yourself or using your name, you can create an immediate bond.
Expect and look for Black Swans. Don’t let what you know blind you, always be ready to make a perspective shift and look for new info.