From: https://youtu.be/4BvlBoZsV_I - LocalScriptMan
Types of Dynamics
For best results the people in relationship should have needs that the other(s) is(/are) are filling.
Focus on needs and deep insufficiencies and not to be confused by magical love, vibes etc
Works for both healthy and toxic:
- one brings spontaneity, the other stability
- one depends on their validation, the other likes the power it gives them
But for self-sufficient/-actualized people where there are no gaping holes or emotional needs to fill, but the relationship is more like an extra spice to their already well structured meal?
The perfect/imperfect pairing with a “meet me at my level” dynamic where the effort and change from the imperfect becomes the focus reconciles this.
Or the “we are here now, but we had to go to hell and back to build this” dynamic
Very generally both parties have flaws, missing pieces and then:
- they learn from each other, adopt pieces, absorb qualities and grow
- they become codependent, not learning, but using each other
Friendships usually follow a similar structure of balancing qualities and needs, learning from them to become better persons etc
Sexual attraction the only difference?
Attachment Theory
Spectrum from Anxious Attachment to Avoidant Attachment:
Anxious: no sense of inner security, obsessively looking for signs of attraction, euphoric then these signs are found, clingy and overbearing when these signs are not found
Avoidant: subconsciously terrified of letting anyone in to their walled garden, when they get too close they disengage and run
In the middle, secure attachment: emotionally self-sufficient, have boundaries, capable of emotional vulnerability
Usually opposites attract (in the way of the other side seems to possess what we lack and vice-versa) in attachment theory: the ultra clingy no-stability fearing will look towards the ultra stable seeming avoidant for solutions, clingy ones are the only ones able to penetrate the strong emotional walls of the avoidant, beauty of symbiosis! Secure will see the walls as a sign of “oh they are not ready” Avoidant will see these as a turn on, source of both stress and eustress.
Avoidants may not initiate things as they prefer not to be vulnerable. They prefer relationships in the early stages (“honeymoon period”), where they are at their best and most happy being open and sharing, while there is a measure of distance, partners are not leaning on them and no one’s flaws are very visible. As soon as there is a necessity for extra closeness they start to panic, feel guilty and close off the closer they get, backing away when it moves to a level of intimacy that requires conflict resolution and vulnerability. So the longer they are in a situation which doesn’t require closeness or strong emotions, the longer they may stay. This means avoidants invest much more in the beginning of relationships than in the later stages. This way they can enjoy the exciting aspects of early relationships while escaping when a deeper connection threatens to form. This can make them charming daters but upsetting long-term partners. Their avoidance can produce intrigue and sparks for partners initially, by triggering the attraction system with intermittent reinforcement or by appearing as a strong, alpha male. Underneath this, avoidants want their practical and immediate needs met by a compliant partner (like we all do), but often don’t want to or fear they can’t meet the needs of others at heart.
Subconsciously, an avoidant feels reassured and in control by sensing the anxiously attached is unlikely to leave them even if they give little – and they would be right. Anxiously attached individuals, carrying their own childhood wounds, may act out (sulking, manipulating, criticising, becoming demanding or controlling), but will exist unhappily in a relationship and put up with a lot before choosing abandonment. Not having received consistency from caregivers, the anxiously attached expect to have to work to win love. They have trouble being single, can be rarely out of a relationship but are experts at picking those who won’t love them, and can succumb to unhealthy or abusive relationships. The anxiety of an insecure attachment is enlivening and familiar to the anxiously attached, though it’s also uncomfortable and makes them more anxious. It validates their abandonment fears about relationships and beliefs about not being enough, lovable, or securely loved, and little genuine intimacy is achieved.
Conclusion
Fundamental differences, flaws, conflict drives the story/relationship